Bad, bad winds on the rise.....

The regulars at his local were all there. John was trying to make conversation with everyone, including strangers. When people talk about love, I never understand them. They say those we love don’t love us back, the pain of someone that you love loving someone else, or lusting ……. f***ing lusting for someone else as you sit there, helpless, so deep that the thought of walking away wasn’t to be contemplated…… f***ing lusting for someone else in front of your friends, your workmates, in your local pub…. He was gauging how drunk the crowd was, if everyone noticed what he was going through. The agony, tragic….just tragic. He’s never being here before, he was in it too deep. The pain showed, the strength was wearing off, he didn’t know if to fight or walk away.

Jane was talking to the new guy, Matt. He had driven approximately fifty kilometers to see her and it was only fair that she showed a little courtesy. She was laughing at his jokes, soft taps on his shoulder, a couple of times she just stared at him and looked blissful. In her head, she had probably stripped him already, spanked his tushi too. You could tell from how her eyes moved, like she was taking in all of him, the way she licked her lips, this man mesmerized her. Every once in a while, she tried to engage the crowd probably gauging how drunk the crowd was too. Like John, she wanted to see if the crowd had noticed what she was doing.

For john, it was about pride too. He had a reputation he needed to uphold, an image with Jane in it, the bad girl he had tamed, the bad girl everyone wanted to tame. He had promised himself to take care of her, he would even tell his friends that he loved her; he had fallen into her trap. She was the one who was holding all the cards now, the cracks were showing, the sweat was inkling, the conversations strained, his concentration fuzzy, he couldn’t feel his beer. He needed to calm his nerves, a distraction ……..he needed to go, he needed to go now……his ego was fragile, and his defenses were down. He wouldn’t go, he couldn’t go, he couldn’t let her take his place in this pub too. He stayed……he thought he could handle it.

Jane was much more at ease now, she felt the long group conversation had killed the tension, or at least dissolved most of it plus the liquor was kicking in, significantly reducing the number of f***s she gave. She had gone back to talking to Matt, John was talking to some friends he’d just met on why he loves his ‘’summit’’, and how “Tusker” apparently tastes stale. He wasn’t sure if they were sizing him up, or they were interested in his stories, or if it was pity listening…….pity listening……they pitied him. He is not the kind to be pitied…..

Ace was talking about how not to handle a fight, how to choose your battles, how to know a battle that’s already lost, when to walk away from a fight with your pride intact. Big Mo’ was talking about what one is not supposed to know, open secrets. From Johns’ end, they were more of insinuations, they were telling him that they knew, and he should just walk away and save face. The conversations insinuated an understanding, they were men and although they had just met, he considered them his friends too, they understood…….

Matt stepped out to pick a call, quite a long conversation, probably a quick drive. John decided to walk out loud, he was going down but he would at least show a little strength in his limp, he threw a round for all and excused himself, early day tomorrow. Jane tried to hug him goodbye but he feigned conversations with the only other girl in the room, Big Mos’ girl. He waved goodbye and left, he had lost Jane, but he is the one who walked away. He probably knew this day would come, she was a bad girl and bad girls leave. He was a bad boy too, bad boys leave too. He considered this a draw rather than a loss, he walked.

Matt was out for quite a long time, Jane was feeling a little awkward, she wasn’t sure if he had left too. She kept checking her phone, she probably expected an explanation for Matt’s movement, none was forthcoming. Ken, now well positioning himself next to her, was sensing her dilemma. Her options were getting limited by the second, Ken just sat there and let her stew, from across the room, one could see the bliss written all over his face. Jane was at her most vulnerable, John had left and wasn’t coming back and Matt hadn’t guaranteed his return. Jane was a girl most men had eyed, Ken wasn’t too far from his shot at this bad girl. Jane was playing her cards well; she was making conversation with Ken without insinuating anything. Ken played calm too, he was buying time, he knew his chances depended on Matt’s next move. If Matt stayed out too long, he could easily sway this girl, considering how wasted she was, and limited her options were, winds would probably sway them to his bed. Not a bad move, considering he wasn’t friends with either John or Matt, Jane was fair game. He threw a quick round for two, probably spelling his intent to focus all his attention to her. An acceptance of the drink indicated her willingness to respond in kind, an offer to consider him as an option. Things were moving in the right direction for Ken, he had bought time, half an hour maybe. Jane had stopped checking her phone too, a good sign for Ken, he ordered a second drink…..PAUSE……

“…….if I order this drink here, am probably buying her time. If I want to buy myself time, we need to move………”

Ken quickly cancelled the order and suggested they move venues, he paid his bill and just as they are about to leave, Matt walks in. Ken was fast losing his grip now, Jane was more inclined towards Matt, she walked to meet Matt at the door and walked out with him. Ken followed ……….

*This was the last we saw of John who came in with Jane but left alone, or Jane who left with Matt nor Ken who quickly followed them. We are not sure if Jane ended up with Matt or with Ken, we’ll probably never find out. These are not their real names, just some new faces I met at a friend’s local who needed names for the sake of this narrative.   

After the movie unceremoniously ended, Ace, Big Mo and I were talking about the pros and cons of commitments, putting all your eggs in one basket and then watching that person being snatched from you right in front of you. The pain, the shame, the anger, all those feelings of perverted love all rolled up in your head, literally feeling your heart break. Is it really worth all that pain? Considering that the female species in the animal kingdom are the ones who choose a mate and not the male, commitment is more or less like playing Russian roulette with your heart. Statistics say 40% of all married women cheat on their husbands, big number I must say. Maybe it’s the pot calling the kettle black considering the same survey puts husband infidelity at 60%, but why would one choose to commit to one person and then choose to cheat on them? Why don’t we all choose to be honest to each other and choose to spread the love honest, without commitment, without tying strings unto our hearts?

I gotta admit that my morals are a bit flawed when it comes to societal norms, or rather the society is trying to hold on a morality which is only preached and rarely practiced, a dishonest morality. The institution of marriage is a lie, relationships are dishonest. How is one supposed to confidently walk out there, let someone put his finger in her ring, commit in a world full of heartbreakers? 

*Shit like this just breaks my heart. Maybe I should just live as Trey Song says, “for the ladies and the drinks” and let my sunset find me in a sail boat somewhere in Costa Rica, and as Big Sean says “am not just talking shit coz am hi……”.. or just go with the winds and see where they take me…..

Highway to Monday

Sundays’ gone. He had thought of calling a couple of times, he hadn’t yet. He couldn’t do anything right, not his work, his relationships weren’t any better, his friendships were crumbling……… he blamed the distance on his failed relations, it helped a little. He was becoming too tolerant of his ills; indulgences helped him create this facade of a man who had everything held together.

It was a quarter past midnight and insomnia was getting the best of him. He wanted to sleep but his voices wouldn’t stop arguing on what he should have done, self doubt was creeping in, his sense of right and wrong was compromised, his choices came down to the better of two wrongs, two rights rather, his and theirs………. Everything in hindsight. This is what happens when you let your heart rule your head. He wanted it all and lost it all; he wanted a good thing without any responsibilities. He didn’t know if to laugh at his stupidity, or be sad that he was no different from all other selfish suckers out there……. Fuck it!!  

“Empty prayers” was playing in the background, a good song, he could relate.

He turned and checked his phone again, half past one. He sat up and lit a cigarette. He wasn’t sure if he was sad or indifferent, they were more or less the same to him. He felt indifferent to life most of the time, ignorant of the smiles……..empty. He didn’t feel the presence of god, he didn’t feel the presence of a lot of things, people were becoming more and more boring, and their ignorance irked him. He loved his family very much; he owed most of who he was to them, both the good and the bad. They loved him too, he knew that much, he was just sad that they were the ones who understood him the least……….

Quarter to three, and it was her in his mind again, maybe a quick text would suffice……..he thought against it. They had a good thing, he knew she wasn’t coming back but nobody would blame him if every once in a while, he thought of the possibilities, the what if’s……..

His friends. He hadn’t talked to most of them in months. He talked to one or two every once in a while, plus his cuz but that was pretty much everyone. He doesn’t miss home that much sometimes, he grows fond of being alone more every day, scary…..

His mind, he felt it drifting, he was slowly losing it. He could feel his thoughts evolving, he was more and more uncaring of the consequences of his actions, he could here himself blubbering incoherencies, or as he calls them, different lines of thoughts. His paranoia was deeper now, everything looked like a conspiracy, the government, the church, the terrorists, the employer, the women around him…………..This shit gets him angry. It makes him even angrier that nobody else sees the pattern, they can’t see the bigger picture, they can’t see how religion is related to power, or the government in involvement in certain accidents, the government schemed terrorist hits to instill fear in the citizenry and make them demand retaliation……or it’s just his paranoia getting the better of him.

He had lost faith in humanity, the greed, lust, hate, all perversions of love had made humanity stink, the gods lived short of their billing, nothing seemed right in the world, he really wished he believed in something, anything……. Sometimes, it felt more like rebellion against God rather than disbelief, like a dare, if he’s really there he’d be provoked and do something. It’s kinda funny though when you think about it, tragic even when we stop living and dream of a rose garden somewhere in the horizon....even more tragic when it occupies your mind more often than it should.

 

Half past four on his time piece, it’s Monday already. He needed to catch a couple of winks if he was going to be in anyway constructive…… Monday!!! Fucking Mondays!!!..... why does he even turn up to work every morning? He doesn’t even like numbers that much, he doesn’t need the toys, he doesn’t need the pressure, he doesn’t need that much money, why the fuck??.............

Same regular rant every Sunday night, accompanied with the no more alcohol oath, the quitting smoking resolutions, the no more weed announcement, all of which last no more than 24 hours.……

Quarter to five, the cold chill creeping in, almost stinging. He remembered the deadlines, the explanations, the commotion, the beginning of the same cycle which had burnt him out……..SHIT!!!! IT’S MONDAY!!!! Then Napoleon Hill says, " Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."