Ring circus

So Jane was really pressed, she had to go now. The conductor was nice enough to let her go, but the place was kinda open and the sun was already out, about a quarter to 8:00, nobody really expected her to find a blind spot. I could see the curiosity eating the men alive, acting all chilled out, shifting in their seats (darting their eyes outside), but nobody figured out how she just vanished in the thin air. The first guy just couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't be that good at hide and seek, yes hide and seek because this is what we were training for when we were younger, except in real life we hide from cops and bosses as we seek beautiful women and beer offers. Anyway, this chap decides he was pressed too, alights and walks a few meters from the bus and does his thing, but he's not looking where he's aiming, he's still looking for Jane's spot, everyone was marveled by her hiding prowess. A few more men joined in the hunt, still nothing. She was good, considering she was handicapped in this game, I mean we all know that one seeks and all hide and not the other way round. The men’s faces screamed defeat, I included,

‘‘All those of the opinion Jane has won ''The Gikobe'' say Aye''

''Ayeeee'' All men in unison replied.

Finally she was done talking to nature and out of nowhere, she was boarding the bus. Most of us didn't see where she appeared from; these thin air productions are really catching on. One by one we boarded the bus acting like nothing happened but we all knew who the winner and the losers in this game were.

We are not even close to Mtito Andei and I was already tired, bored too. I'd been traveling the whole night and was still on the road. I had left Lamu the previous night, kinda sad though because I can honestly say I loved the place. Maybe it's the ocean, or the food, the people, but I did love it. I think that's why I'd been looking for excuses to stay a little longer, closing the financial year, collecting my baggage assessment letter from the ministry of public works, my release letter, and then there were a few parties derailing my schedule day in, day out. Eventually, something had to give....

So, the last day, it honestly felt like a season finale. Things were happening extremely fast, all the small things that I hadn't done because they were tiny little things compounded to be one big thing. Send the documents I need to send to the headquarters, pick up my bag from Feddys' place, drop some things I had at the office, and some other small things. It rained.

Lamu is not like the rest of this country, we don't know how to work around rain, you can count the number of umbrellas around, and today was the day that God decides to let it pour, poor Lamu. When it rains in Lamu, transport is a major issue; you know we walk on water right? I worked in the mainland and lived on the island. In the afternoon, it looked more like a passing cloud than rain, plus I figured I will cross for an hour or two and then rush back pick up my stuff and board the 9:00 p.m. bus. That was not fates plan. First was the limited number of passengers crossing to the mainland which in Lamu means either of two things, sit pretty and wait, or hire a boat for quite a sizable amount, almost a crate of Tusker at DOD Langata. You probably already know what I opted for.

Eventually, at around 4:00 p.m., I finished the few errands I needed to run, but the mainland wasn't really done with me. Mohammed, the chauffeur of the day (I know it's a bike but hey), he was willing to chauffeur me around, it's the low season anyway, ''kusi'' they call it and passengers are scarce. My friend Kisanya and his new found Miss Maggie were chilling at White house, farewells and all he demanded albeit served in brown bottles. A couple of Tuskers and Mfalmes later, it's 6:00 pm and I got to cross and pick up my bags.

The rain doesn't like me much either, of all the places it would have chosen to find me, it chose the ocean. Wet and cold in Lamu with half an hour before the boat sails, still raining heavily a quick break was necessary and Petleys was welcoming. Matata, his wife Queen, Kofi and Simba were in the house. Matata doesn't like his friends sober and a Tusker was on the table. My phone won't stop ringing, the rain won't stop pounding and the time won't stop moving. I prayed.

I think I prayed, the subconscious kind of prayer where God knows you need his help without you saying a word. Why do I say this, in the next five minutes, the rain stopped falling and my Tusker was empty but unluckily time stops for no man, so I've learnt. Kama had my ticket on his way to the boat as I rushed to collect my baggage, the calls kept coming through, and a couple of meters from the Jetty, I could see they were slowly moving out. I ran, calling out, calling Kama on his phone and flashing my phones display light to signal that I was coming.

Just so you know, it was not entirely my fault given that initially, I thought the boat would be leaving at 8:30 p.m. rather than 7:30 p.m. which happen to be quite a time difference. It was my first time to travel with the night bus and the time can sometimes confuse even the keenest of minds. Secondly, I hadn't seen my receipt which means I wouldn't know exactly what time I was supposed to leave.

The boat did wait for me. It was one of the bigger boats ''boti ya mbao'' rather than the speed boats am used to. Long ride that was.

We had some bad seats, the two seats in the middle of the back bench. The two guys on my right were just normal two guys, nothing extraordinary about these two. Kama sat on my left (I think we changed positions at some point and he moved to my right, his legs needed more space to breath) and to his left which was my extreme was this nice gentleman. A family guy probably, calm, cool, and collected gentleman, at first glance you would refer to him as ''the gentleman to my left''. The gentleman to my left kept his cool as the bus picked up speed, and then without warning, he pulls out a time machine!!

I know you guys don't believe me one bit but I got witnesses. Kama and the two gentlemen to my left will testify to this effect. He took us back to high school bus trips, loaf and soda bus trips. I think it's the manner with which he was least bothered by our peeping that intrigued me. I know I shouldn't be judging the gentleman to my left since I wasn't innocent enough to warrant me the stone throwing. Kama had some cookies and one packet of milk which we were, you know, but you got to understand none of us had had lunch. Not because we were not hungry, but in between my packing, office errands, scheduling that Friday blog post and Kama's unfinished jobs, the day was way too short. I doubt that the gentleman on my left had such a convincing story.

I decided to catch a couple of winks, I was a little tipsy and the running around was quite tiring. Around 0300 hours, Thursday morning in Malindi. When you are on the road, the times don’t give you a lot of navigating space. 15 minutes is almost the universally accepted break time from the butt numbing travels, and we try our best to make the most of it, you can’t wander off too far from your vessel or bus if you please. (Note that at this particular moment I hadn't met Jane). A quick meal of ''mshakiki na mahamri’’, - I only did the mshakiki, Kama decided since there were no chapos -unga ni unga-. The conductor switched our seats and then switched them again. I think this is where I met Jane; I had seen her couple of times in Lamu a cyber café, Kamas’ cyber café. The introductions were done, the niceties and all, and then back to the road.

The point of this story is the lessons from a married woman. As I later found out, Jane is a happily married woman. She got married young and she has been through all the fights that any marriage could ever have, from alleged affairs to extended family feuds; she’s been through them all. Being a bachelor, I got no clue how to handle institutional relationship feuds except from bits and excerpts from other peoples feuds, at least those who are willing to tell it with no bars held. She was willing.

How to treat your woman:

Honesty is overrated she told me. There are some things about you she doesn’t feel like she needs to know. According to her, she expects her man to at least have stray thoughts regardless of whether he’ll act on them or not. She also expects a few ladies to throw themselves at him especially because of the distance between her and him, physical that is (she works in Lamu and her husband works in Nairobi). Information should be weighed against expected reactions, and according to her, women are a jealous species. They don’t trust other women around their men and information insinuating that there is a lady willing to take her place as soon as she leaves the matrimonial compound is to be filtered to a need to know basis. In the same light, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and a stray day should not be considered as something she needs to know. Do not give her a reason not to trust you.

Men have been known to accuse women of a lot of things, the biggest accusation being that they are money oriented. Contrary to popular belief, financial needs aren’t exactly primary to women although she made sure I understood that love doesn’t pay the rent. Apparently, women’s need vary from one woman to another unlike those of men (it is common knowledge that food, beer and sex will keep any man on a leash). You shouldn’t marry a woman that you do not know, and knowing a woman is not limited to her name and sexual prowess. A woman, any woman needs to know that she comes first and her needs (which you should know) are a priority. She needs to know she can count on you when she’s out of options and that sense of security is what will keep her home, your home that is.

Communication is not limited to her talking and you listening. Talk to your woman the way you talk to your friends every once in a while.

Respect your woman. Do not talk ill or command your woman to do stupid things in front of your friends. Learn how to treat her when you have company.

Jane is of the dying breed from what I gathered. She knows how a woman should treat her man. She is the old school kind of girl, who believes in working things out, always talking about her man in a positive light even though she expects him to f*** up every so often and most of all, she knows a woman can either make a man better or destroy him.

Unluckily for the singles today, this kind of breed is not fashionable anymore. Women of today expect men to change since they have. Their needs have changed and we too need to evolve. The Jane’s of the world are gone.