Knowledge Abundance

"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you, and what's with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" these are the questions you would like to avoid from your mother. With this in mind, the importance of reading becomes intrinsic, at least it became for me when I was younger. I decided to go to the library and one of the things I learnt was, Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal". William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd. Am not sure I picked that from a primary school library but am sure I heard it somewhere am supposed to quote but can't really remember.

I also learnt that Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts, 30% of Chinese adults live with their parents and 200 million people in China live on less than $1 a day. That's not all though coz in the same class, I learnt that we know more about the surface of the moon than we do about the bottom of the ocean, it takes a plastic container 50,000 years to start decomposing, bamboo can grow up to 36 inches a day, rain falls at 11 km/h and an average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

These facts may seem irrelevant to you right now but in the real world, it's better to learn these things than acing your math test. How so you ask? If you are busy chatting up a woman trying to explain to her that the Schwarzschild radius is the distance from the middle of mass where in case pressure is applied, the escape speed and that of light are equal, and I just turned to her at the very exact moment where she's staring at the bartender to order a triple shot of tequila and…… "Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS! By the way, did you know Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts?"

Am not saying it's what I do, but the importance of these facts is highly underrated. People learn this during the awkward silence moment where the two of you are just sitting there, normally on the first date trying to choose the appropriate words, or a funny joke and then you realize that all your funny jokes are either dirty or only your boys understand them. At that precise moment, you remember this stupid note which you easily assumed as a waste of your precious time as you would have managed to prove that the praying mantis is not the only insect which can turn its head 360 degrees, which is not possible to. You would later realize it would have being wiser of you to read this, and take it seriously as you would have found out that Dennis the Menace favorite drink is root beer.

With that in mind, and considering that you're my friends, the next piece of information is very important. You should know that in Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.  You should also know that more people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month. The two other months in which birthday rates are high are July and September. For family planning purposes, you should count back from the above mentioned months to see how active the corresponding month you were sexually.

Some sad news for the men, 57% of women would rather go on a shopping spree than have sex, nearly 6% of all marriage proposals are made over the telephone, and the world has been at peace only 8% of the time over the last 3,500 years.

A cool understandable fact, 35% of people watching T.V. yell at it. Am going to explain that we don't exactly start yelling, but if only the f***ing box would just explain what was bugging it, nobody would ever through the remote at it.

And finally, we shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage."Take me to Detroit," he demanded."We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh … good," he said, and sat down again.

Thinker's Anonymous

Hi, my name is Bill.

Hallo bill

"It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jacks. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

(Thanks Bill)

She loved

There's nothing we wouldn't do to hear her voice again.  Sometimes, I want to call you, but I know you won't be there and it's hard to say goodbye when you know finding someone like you, or even close to what you were is not in the cards. She was one of one, and in our ignorance and procrastinations never got to tell her how important she was and now all we want to do is tell her everyday how much she meant to us.

We wanted a perfect ending. Now we've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. With you, we had a perfect middle, an unclear beginnings but the end, oh the end came a little too soon and we are waiting for someone to tell us it was a lapse of judgment on the director's part.

We are not supposed to cry when we remember her smile, subtle laughter to brighten a rainy day, but it hurts. I think the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Our hearts were made of the same cloth and now that you're not here, a part of us feels incomplete. We are healing, no; we are learning to live without a part of us. We will however not cry because the lessons from you are invaluable, the smiles are for eternity and the love will always be reflected from beyond the grave.

It's being two years and the love seems stronger. They are probably wondering what you did to deserve all this love so next time St. Peter asks that question, tell him you loved.

R.I.P Aunt Cate.

Ps: Please send flowers on my birthday.

Members day

 Well, surprise, surprise, that's not my finger!! Had to say that today coz it's being a while since I lifted the finger, or just a finger. You see, I moved out from my old place to bliss city sometime back, the landlord had issues with my way of life, can't say why but I think these were probably personal reasons since I tried to do the deed with the daughter. I don't see anything wrong with that scenario because as a father, I would rather know that my daughter is giving it up to a responsible man. Yes, I consider myself very responsible since I stopped drinking the rent and started to save lil money to cater for a drink in case the mid-month knocks and am home.

So, it's Friday, and this qualifies as the day set aside by the world to indulge in all things sinful, aka members' day. I don't get the whole point of calling it members' day; it sounds like you have to register which is not exactly accurate. Then again, maybe we do, we just don't realize that we do. I know you are probably thinking, "where would this stupid moff come up with something like that?"

Be back in a minute, there is a conversation going on in my head

"Lay off the scotch and we will see you tomorrow"

"None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!"

So where were we, yeah do we or don't we register at the local? Every Friday you do your everyday tired walk from the office but on this special day, you don't walk straight home. They call it unwinding after a tiring week (am actually laughing at that line coz most of these assholes just sit in the office all week giving orders) but it's one of the many reasons we give just to see a pretty face pouring some froth on that big mug. It's not wrong, my opinion, to find a reason to drink on a Friday but since it has being universally accepted as an "unwinding day" you shouldn't have to struggle coming up with an excuse.

And now they are making drinking look bad including giving it a diseases name. Alcohol intoxication disorder, more commonly known as binge drinking whose definition, keeps changing. Some define binge drinking as more than 7 drinks a night for men, and more than 5 for women while others definition of binge drinking is more than 4 standard drinks per night. A standard drink is however a relative term, which means if your definition of a standard drink is a bottle of vodka, well you can't really qualify as a binge drinker. Anyway, since drinking beer doesn't make you fat but rather makes you lean against bars, tables, chairs, and poles it rightfully deserves a day to be recognized.



NOTE: This was a hurriedly composed post since as a registered member of this day, am late for our weekly meeting at the local.

Losing and winning

 When I was 13 years old, I had my first fight with a girl about our relationship. I lost and a trend of loosing battles against women began. The problem with my skill is as Chris Rock says, "trying to be logical" while all she wants is to "win, win, win". I among other like sexed individuals we will never learn to play dirty, remember her past mistakes and use them against them or at least use the tear card. The tear cards, ooooh, damn the tear card. It should be made illegal just like they did that Mututho archaic law.



 And now, a quick question about the villain of the moment. If someone in self defense, or defiance, accidentally shot Mututho with a semi automatic, sprayed around seventeen round after a sniper shot him right below the ear, crashed all his bones and took his internal organs (private too) just in case someone discovered a way to bring back the dead to life what would you rather he be reincarnated as? (20 mks)


a)      A beer mug
b)      A beer bottle
c)       A keg pump
d)      The bar urinal.


 Let's go back to the topic in hand, the losses and wins. The wins have being few, spaced out and without enough evidence or witnesses to celebrate them. The losses on the other hand have being slightly above what you would say acceptable. In my book however, I've won a lot more fights than I'd love to admit depending on what you were fighting for. I have learn't some relationship changing tricks on the other side of the dirt, blood and bruises to my heart, body and soul; am not supposed to say this out loud but the losses have done wonders for my sex life, with the break up and make up sex, drunk sex, angry sex which is the best among other unnamed types of the beautiful act.


The fight with my first girlfriend. The details aren't too vivid but apparently the problem I had with her was the same I have had with all the girls who came after her, communication. She won't say what she wants and I can't read minds. This particular problem isn't really going anywhere but since I gave up on a remedy for miscommunication, I have at least found an antidote for the tension thereafter. A bottle of fine cognac vodka, some lime and an edible chocolate glass for the missus. You can try something else and furnish your fellow men with ideas but for now……..testing, testing, 1,2,3 testing.


And on other news, Happy B-day Dj Feddy.

Magic and descriptions or s'thing

Descriptions are sometimes deceiving, and definitions are supposed to clarify misrepresentations, at least that’s what I’ve being made to believe by endless reading that my future doesn’t really depend on. Like that advert on a local radio station about magic liquids, no definitions have being formally availed, therefore we will look at it from perspectives of different persons.

We have the nice girl who believes in magic, and her faith in the supernatural is a tad above unshakable. Her line of thinking is probably, a drink that will do what Houdini did in his heydays, real magic. I am not saying her thinking is too varied from the naughty gals’ point of view, but the magic varies. 

I believe in magic, ooh magic, what a nice invention. From the disappearing act done by the rent still unpaid, fees Uncleared and the wears unseen, to the discovery of speech by the hurt and crashed, poor and broken and souls lost and not found. Magic, ooh magic, from the strength found in brawls with the strong, arguments with the wise or thought wise……… blah blah blah………., to the sex with your neighbors virgin daughter, ooh magic.

When they told me that Santa Claus wasn’t real, I didn’t feel that bad. Then they attacked the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy, I was a lil bit mad, and saddened that in one felled swoop they had just wiped out Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I never had a chance to meet any of the above and their passing was not too painful. Then, they started talking about wrestling and stuntmen and these motherfuckers were now really pissing me off. I fought for what I believed in for long enough but I was eventually outnumbered by a ratio of approximately 1:10, it was time to back down. But magic, ooh magic, they won’t take it away from me.

Descriptions and definitions.

Definition of magic is the claimed art of altering things either by supernatural means or through knowledge of occult natural laws unknown to science. That is however not my description of magic. Although this is essentially impossible, it’s when you find some things that you haven't seen before and I hope you will, that will take your burdens away from your life and makes you feel good about life in that instant, because you are just inconsequential when you’re standing there. Scholars have spent too much time trying to repair the definition of magic that they forgot the feel

There are also the magic liquids they talked about on the radio.

When we knew

I have this theory that when we were younger, girls and boys thought along the same lines. We would grow up to be something, get married to a nice other and raise flawless kids. Somewhere along the way, it became apparent that we are living in a man’s world where men have to work their asses off to make a living whereas all the women had to do was look pretty (kinda sounds like a woman’s world). Don’t get it twisted, we have a few women who understand the value of hard work but the remaining lot has made it a habit of quoting sexism or using their invaluable assets to make a living. These are the women who make us men wary of giving our all in our relationships. I do believe there are good girls already born but in between finding them, we have to go through too many false starts it becomes tiresome to a point where we don’t see the point of looking anymore.

Being a man is a very tiresome job especially a man who actually makes a living and is still single. You have to go to work every day, come home to an empty bed, dirty laundry, empty fridge and so many wrongs in the house. For someone who’s just moved from home, the shock is beyond apprehension. One is left with the choice of getting an untested broad to help out or learn the ropes by self. The former always looks like the better option until one finds it simpler to look after a five year old than handle a full grown woman, no pun intended. What a man is used to is a straight up conversation where one takes words at face value, hanging out with friends is routine, missing a football match is a crime, and tomorrow always takes care of itself, at least that is what I expect. When the status quo changes, adapting becomes a big problem.

It became worse when the women of the world decided to go to the city of lil men with small eyes a.k.a Beijing. Worse still, the Beyonce era kicked in where all the single ladies are standing up, becoming independent screaming to the left. They refused to go to the kitchen, do laundry, and decided men too can change diapers. The suffocation became unbearable which scared the hell out of the remaining good men who were more than willing to be heroes. The ratio of men to women being barely comparable, these women have forced some of the men to run to the bars, coke joints, commercial sex workers and same sex relationships, creating an even bigger gap between eligible men and women. A brave few are still hoping for the good old days of our fathers and try their best but end up in courtrooms fighting for their hard earned money in divorce settlements.

As it stands, we are creating a new breed of men. Loving a woman was supposed to be the only reason a man would stay under the same roof with the significant other. Times have changed, for the worse, and men are compromising love for stability and procreation. It’s always being African to have a heir and family pressure is forcing men to make decisions they will most likely regret.

What am trying to say is, times were better when we knew men are animals, women are beautiful and marriage was a commitment.

Truths or something

I don’t believe that bullshit, the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. It’s not possible to lie to yourself since for one to lie; you have to know the truth. It’s more of choosing some truths and omitting others for our own benefit, which I believe is a good thing. I lie to myself too, every once in a while to make me feel better. For the sake of acceptability, or rather unavailability of a better phrase, we shall call it lying to ourselves


In 1988, two psychologists published an article arguing that positive self deception is a normal part of our lives. It turns out that people lie to themselves about three things. They view themselves in impulsively positive ways, they think they have way more control over their lives than they actually do and they believe that the future will be better than the evidence of the present can possibly justify. To keep these little lies going, we need to cover them with other little lies, and some more little lies and the sad part is we don’t even realize we are doing it.

What’s wrong with this scene? Nothing really, considering how unpleasant the truth can be. We’ve being told that the truth will set you free, but between freedom and the courage to look myself in the mirror every morning, I’ll definitely choose the latter. The truth could be, you are just a pawn in someone’s game meaning no control over whatever happens to you, you will die a drunk poor homeless man with kids who don’t respect or even talk to you, everyone who you actually do like thinks you are a nuisance and your absence would make them happier. Am not trying to bust your bubble but if the truth is anywhere along those lines, would you like to know? I know I wouldn’t. But God was kind enough to give us a way to live with ourselves. It may not be something that will make you feel better by knowing but it will help you live long enough to entertain him. This maybe an opinion of one, but I think we were created purposely for his entertainment. Our lives are an episode in his long running series, Earth. Your character is dependent on how interesting you are, and as soon as you bore him, you’re fired. If however, we knew ourselves better, quitting might become a norm, no director would like that.

The war of truth versus the lies then. We are a lying piece of shit and we have accepted that since creation, why would we want to change now? Changing is not in my plans anytime soon and I’ll tell you why, I can’t function without telling a few lies every day (am not apologizing). It may sound like a bad thing but that’s just what makes me human, and anyone who doesn’t lie or at least a few omissions in truths for his or someone’s benefit is either insane or very, very miserable. I don’t think that’s an ideal way to live which brings me to the point am trying to make. For one to be human, you have to learn when to ration the truth and when to lie blatantly. Otherwise, you shall end up quitting before the interesting scene in your episode is shot.

Hi people.

Dealing with a woman

I guess free time is not necessarily a bad thing, with the all knowing dead people having convinced the masses the devil likes them idle it's going to be a lil difficult for a lowly being like a mortal to convince you otherwise. But then, even those who said it are dead, mortals, same guys who convinced you that Tom Dick and Harry are bad. Am not saying they were always wrong, coz in the process of giving you the wrong advice, they also said Gods way of showing us he loves us was via the refreshment of the working class.

Anyway, in my idle state I discovered a sure way of dealing with women, it's yet to be tested but expectations are high. Unluckily am not as lucky as the doctors thus lab rats are not readily available. This means I'll be forced to experiment on real people with an untested remedy hoping to prove myself right. If I had a few lab rats, maybe one male and two females, two because I'd need a bad lady rat and a nice lady rat to take notes on the effects depending on the type of woman I'd be dealing with. It would also be very helpful if the female rats had mood swings every once in a while in the course of the tests just to know the reaction on account of the mood.

Did you know that a frog can't empty its stomach by vomitting. To empty its stomach contents, a frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Just thought you should.

So what did I discover in my idle state, the only way to deal with a woman is not to get her everything she wants, nor listen to everything that she says, and all those things that they say you should do. Just act like you can! You can buy her a few of her favorite things in moderation, use words that signal that she can keep talking as you listen, and whatever you do, make sure your day was not as dramatic as hers. It doesn't matter if you fought a lion outside the state house, and almost had a head on collision with the presidents jet on your way to Ivory Coast to successfully broker a peace deal between the feuding powers, shut up and listen.

If the above advice doesn't work and you end up loosing your private parts by your loving wife, or partner or whatever you kids are calling each other these days its very important that you remember, you don't know me!!

All this thinking has made me thirsty. Time to drink until Rihanna turns white.

Loving

There is got to be a reason for loving what we love. Personally, sports, a beer, Betty Brown, Mary Jane and other women (not necessarily in that order) do it for me. The reason why I love sports is the spontaneity that comes with it, for beer or anything bliss oriented, it’s the hi, and when it comes to women, reasons range all the way from companionship to sex. They say the only reason why a man and a woman stay together is free sex, (not that I believe it) and the reason men get married is free unprotected sex. Sadly, it actually makes sense in a very unholy way, but that’s the world we living in and unsuccessfully trying to fix.

Love is more of a symptom than a disease. Loving something or someone means an inevitable falling from grace license, which is the disease in this particular context. If history has taught us anything, love for a woman can bring down even the most powerful man. We had Samson, Romeo, Adam (in the Bible for those who don’t have a copy), and other men who were not very famous. Love even had the audacity to start a war, the battle of Troy. It takes away control, kicks logic out of the window leading to the infamous saying, “follow your heart”, where to? , your downfall. It has the power to compel a stingy man to spend some money on chocolate, flowers and cards.

From personal experience, the women we love are not necessarily the ones who love us, (except for family) and the heartbreaks are a little too common. This love thing creates a hunger in us. We want to impress so much; we end up changing us to suit them. We pen down poetry and songs dedicated to them, forget the pact with the boys, forget our friends at the breweries, among other things. It is very impressive in movies but almost inapplicable in real life.

On the flip side, the beauty of falling in love overshadows all that, or better yet, makes day out of night. Mornings are much more beautiful, jokes are funnier, the smiles and laughter increase, the bed is warmer among the many tiny things that lead an honest man to a wreck in a couple of months. It’s an invitation to the Heartbreak hotel. I am not hating on those who love and those who are loving, am just trying to share some knowledge with my people. I hope and pray no woman will slap me soon,

I read somewhere that the way to a woman’s heart is diamonds.

So, where do we go from here? The local.