Thirteen years later

When I was in primary school, we had the most creative deputy head master especially when it came to instilling pain. She used to make science class sound like Guantanamo bay, because even without lifting her hand, she could instill pain to a ten year old. Even her stare was as scary as hell. Mrs. Maua, (we called her that all our school life to a point where no one really remembers her real name. I sure hope we never meet on the street and I have to introduce her to someone.), made my life terrible. When I was in standard six, she frog-jumped my ass from 6X to 6N, a cool four blocks for not being in my class. My very convincing reason that I was picking up my book from Big Cock aka Njamba Nene, (he was named after a character in a storybook we read in class. He was a pretty small fellow but he embraced the name and lived up to it), fell in deaf years.

Mrs. Maua was spying on me, she had to have watched me for a couple of days to notice that I visited 6X a lot and she got curious. I don’t want to point fingers because there was no real proof that anybody snitched (I know it was that kid who wanted to take mine) but there was no other way she could have found out about my 6X business. In addition to the fact that nothing really happened in that class, except an exchange of glances and giggles, sometimes a very long stare, approximately two and a half seconds and although everyone in 6X knew something was going on, there was really nothing to report. Somehow, she found out something was happening but since she never caught us do anything or even sitting on the same desk, she had to be creative. As I always did everyday during evening preps, I went to 6X to “pick up a book” from Big Cock but Mrs. Maua had other plans. She let a few minutes pass before she followed me; I bet she expected to find me with her, but as I said, I had gone to “pick a book” from Big Cock. She wasn’t very impressed with the turn of events but she had walked all the way from the staffroom ready to punish someone and she was not going back without punishing someone. It was frog jumping for me, and a few canes when I got back to my class.

Angela was a very bright girl, beautiful too with a pair of beautiful pink sandals that made my heart go boom boom and a killer smile. Competition for number one spot since day one was between Charles and me, but third position was hers by default. I liked her a lot, and as young as I was, I knew I had to stand out to win her heart, but as an 11 year old, I wasn’t good with impressing girls, shy too. I did a few dangerous stunts for her benefit (I got scars to prove it too), acted all smart when we had joint classes, and pretty much did anything to attract her attention.  She was rarely caned, but there was this one time she was late for school when we were in class seven (probably the only time) and she had to join the club. We were long term members so for us it wasn’t a big thing for us and we took our daily dose of the cane and went on with our business as usual. When her turn came, tears were lingering even before the cane touched her soft hands. She missed a couple of times before the teacher on duty Mr. Kariuki (he was a sadist I tell you, racing kids to get to the gate before them just so he can cane them, just sad), decided enough was enough and he needed to hold her wrist if he was ever going to get finished with her. Seeing her cry was heartbreaking, it made me really sad and the worst part was there was nothing I could do especially because we were in different streams. I had snuck some mint-choc and fudge from our shop in the morning, like I always did but I couldn’t just walk over to her and hand her the chocolate. I waited until the 10:00 o’clock break and slid them into her locker. She never knew where the chocolates came from, or if she knew, she never told me but seeing her licking the fudge gave me a satisfaction like no other.

Back to class six for a minute, Charles and I always competed for top spot with Angela coming in at a definite third. Due to matters of the heart, I decided to give her the taste of a number above the norm, failed myself just enough to give her a taste of being in the top two. I ended up being ranked 6th that term and my troubles began. All the teachers wanted a piece of me with Mrs. Maua taking the lead. First order of business was banning me from ever laying foot in that class. Secondly, as my science teacher, she decided my cane count should be equivalent to the difference between my score in the previous term and that of the current one which totalled a whooping 23 canes. This was the third worst caning i ever received from Mrs. Maua, the worst being untying that kid, Muchiri, who had skived school and his mum said he should be tied outside the staffroom for a day to teach him a lesson, some parents, closely followed by a beating I received for skiving school to go play football with my cousin and his friends. Anyway, the worst part was even after I failed myself, she still came third as Samuel decided he too wanted to view the world from a few steps above, and Charles without breaking a sweat took the lead.

Being a boy is very difficult especially an 11 year old with a crush. I would literally do anything for Angela but there was no way I could tell her I liked her, she was too intimidating. I would help her carry water on Fridays, (that was when we did the general cleaning), carry her bag sometimes and it was pretty huge, I’d probably have carried her home if she ever asked me too. We sometimes got to talk and regardless of the topic, I wanted to keep talking until right before our K.C.S.E. when she asked me the weirdest question. If it was true I wanted to do it with her and then leave. Apparently this other kid who liked her too told her I said that (same guy that snitched on me, 6X escapades that is). It wasn’t true and although the doing it part had crossed my mind, at that age I probably just wanted to be seen with her and maybe introduce her as my girlfriend.

That was 13 years ago. Charles, Angela, Big Cock and Samuel went to fight different battles in High School and I went to fight mine too. I don’t know what happened to Samuel but Charles and Angela graduated and are now doing very well. Me, I lived for a whole 13 years and ended up here, writing this story.

This piece was written because a few people asked for Angelas' story and Biko is expecting me to send him at least 350 words that make some sense. Susan, Shiku and Alice, this is Angelas' story. Biko, I hope I didn't disappoint you, you too who is reading this piece.
 
On a totally different note, I noticed that I got a fan from Iceland. Thanks for chilling here, stay cool.

Little pieces ............

It has come to my attention that people don't believe in the power of prayer anymore. Am not much of prayer either but my upbringing was heavily reliant on believing on a higher power, something in the lines of you don't have to see but you must believe but due to my lack of belief, there was a need for me to be convinced. Since am sure a lot of you need some convincing too, I will share with you this miracle that happened to this young lady who has been praying for a husband for seven years, three months and four days. 

***********

Facebook, twitter, my space among other social sites have become a way of  life for most people especially the younger generation. This does not mean a few of the older generation are not well versed with modern technology, probably because technology isn't ageist. Anyway, whenever you request someone to be your friend, or you decide to follow someone or whatever your social site calls the connection, always remember to lock your posts from them whenever you're saying something bad about them. These sites may cost you more than they should and if they cost you your job, believe you me the administrators will not pay your rent.

***********

It has come to the attention of scientists that the rate at which animals are evolving has become extremely fast. This is inversely proportional to the rate at which humans are evolving and it's scaring the hell out of scientists. The blame has however been squarely put on animal rights activists, circus freaks, zoos and animal orphanages who have made it extremely difficult for things to take their natural causes. By cuddling these animals, they have taken away their animal instinct which has being replaced with feeling and thinking. Carnivores no longer hunt as they are fed in the zoos, while the rest of them no longer have the fear of humans in them anymore.

It has been proposed that a media blackout for all animal friendly organisation be put into place until we are in a position to slow down the evolution of these animals. We don't want the situation to get to a position where we will be forced to speak monkey because the estate shop attendant speaks monkey. After the monkeys were spotted riding dogs, which means they are planning on converting mans' best friend, and bears teaching their kids how to dance, extreme steps are deemed necessary.

***********

Still on the issue of animals, airport authorities have complained that their sniffer dogs have started using drugs making it very difficult for them to do their jobs. The drug traffickers have devised a way of bribing the dogs with a little of the stuff they are transport in exchange for a free pass in airport security checks. 

Security forces are currently trying to decode the secret language between the drug traffickers and the sniffer dogs but they are still stuck with the middle finger sign. Anyone with any information regarding this language used is being requested to forward the same to the nearest police station. A reward of an out of jail free card for an entire year without having to bribe a police man or woman is on offer.

**********

And finally, EABL will be rewarding it's clients this weekend. Since the board did not approve the memo due to undisclosed differences i.e. who will take credit for the gift to the people, the employees have taken the initiative of doing it in an unconventional way. The lorry pictured below will have an "accident" sometime this weekend. You are therefore advised to keep your eyes, ears and phones open for any happenings in your area. If you spot this lorry and the "accident" does not happen in your town kindly inform a friend in the next town.

Am off to wait for the truck just in case it comes my way.

PS:

People of Southern Tsavo have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken elephants. Black elephants have been congregating along the tracks of the railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the elephants. "The elephants are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Mwatete. 

Retracing

They say you should live before you die, it’s not like we didn’t know that but there is something about wisdom from those who came before us that makes even dumb people sound really wise. Take Confucius for example,”Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy” or “Man who kisses girls behind gets crack in face”. Don’t get it twisted, am not saying he was dumb or these wise sayings are not applicable in life, mostly on a literal level but if Confucius was still alive, maybe they wouldn’t be considered to be as wise, just saying.

Enough about that, I was thinking about old times today. How did we or rather how did I get here? How did I stumble upon some of the things that I know today and the principles that I live or not live by? When I was around 9 years old, I had this desk mate, Winnie. We used to have “preps” between 0345 hrs to 0430 hours and although the discussion or study groups were more or less formed by the teacher, one always ended up with the click that he normally rolled with except for the gender sensitivity thing. If it was up to us, there would be no girls in our group, which wouldn't be a good thing because I might never have had a chance to talk to Winnie. Winnie was as curious as I was, so when we decided to play show me yours I’ll show you mine, she was more than willing to play. These were strange lands we were venturing and even though we were eager to discover more, we couldn’t trend too fast. We started with undies, I think hers were pink and flowery or dotted, which meant it was my turn to flash mine. After a couple of weeks showing off our under wears, it was time for the big sneak preview. You have to understand this was a big moment for me in my life because what I was about to see was going to change my life forever, and the magnitude of this occurrence was so significant that a date had to be set for us, especially me, to be mentally prepared. Two weeks later and the big day came, and to this day, I’ll never thank this girl enough for opening my eyes and showing me what I live for. 

Two years later, it was time for me to discover something even greater. At 11, the only thing we knew about kissing was what we saw on The Rich Also Cry, The Bold and The Beautiful and Wild Rose. I remember we were not supposed to watch any of the above programs but since Wild Rose wasn’t too sexual, we were sometimes allowed to watch. Eleven and green, and one hell of a crash with this hottie, I think her name was Judy. One Friday after school we were walking home, can’t really remember how that happened because on normal after school hours, I would be somewhere playing football, rounders or riding tires (yes kids, we didn’t have GTA or NFS so we raced with tires) but somehow I was walking home with Judy. Am not sure if it was my sweet nothings which am sure at that age were very limited to talks on WWE Wrestling, Walker Texas Ranger or if your parents allowed you to watch Tropical heat that weekend. You could throw in a few of the stunts that you did during the week specifically meant to impress her which meant going home with a few injuries, but they were totally worth it since she was watching. Anyway, we are walking home or rather am walking her home and as if the big guy up there had being listening to my ramblings, her mum had stepped out for a while. We had watched enough T.V. to know what people do when they really liked each other, we decided, what the hell let’s try it. I gotta tell you, of all the experiences, including how to tell my dad I’ve being kicked out of school, explaining to my mum why all her chicks are dead (me and my cousin Sophie decided they were very dirty and needed a bath) among others, this was the scariest moment yet. It was quick, very quick indeed but that was the best feeling I’d had in all my 11 years of my existence. We dated for a while until they moved. Didn’t hear from her until she sent me that success card when I was sitting for my K.C.S.E examinations and stupid me had to lose that card.

At this point in life, I thought the world couldn’t get any better. I hadn’t discovered any drugs except for the few cigarettes my cousin Ken used to steal from his paps, I was still an alcohol virgin but it wasn’t going to last very long. August 1996 was a very special month because that was the month I promised myself and everyone in the family that I will never touch anything alcoholic. It was a family tradition to go to grandmas for at least a week during the holidays and this was not any different. My cousin Chomba was one of the village bad boys aka Makmende. He was a very good storyteller, convincing too. He had already convinced the other kids that I was packed (guns), still don’t understand how those guys bought that story but it meant I had a free pass wherever and an open invitation to all the games, not that am complaining. Anyway, Chomba had some crazy ideas which always sounded good and foolproof until the whipping when we got home. So he decides we should try some liquor named Kibuku.  We however couldn’t afford to purchase and even if we could, we couldn’t just go over to a bar counter and order a bottle, the bartender would probably close shop and run to my grandmas to snitch on us considering that she was well known, still is, which meant other alternatives.

OPERATION KIBUKU

          i.            Dig a trench outside Jimmies’ gate. This was considered the best place since there was a shallow trench already and it was more like expansion of the trench. Plus Jimmies, folks were rarely home which meant no parental scary shit.

         ii.            When the distributing lorry comes from the shopping centre (ndukaini), it will definitely slow down at the dugout where Chomba will leap (kurukia lori), and get a few bottles.

       iii.            He will then drop the Kibuku bottles which we will collect behind him and then he'll alight at that steep slope about a KM from the trench.

       iv.            We will then go to the shamba and have a mini party.

Operation Kibuku wasn’t a total failure except in our planning, we hadn’t considered that none of us had ever tasted anything alcoholic which meant none of us knew how it tasted or how to handle it. The details of Operation Kibuku are a little hazy after step iv, but I clearly remember the following day when I along with Ken, Chomba, Senior, and Dan swore in front of the whole family, extended family, to never ever even think of thinking about that evil drink (the whip has being great catalyst in most of the promises I made when I was young). Until 4 years later, I did stay true to my word, but hey, High School happened.

At 11, I was sure nothing would top what I had experienced so far, until the teachers strike of 1997. Now you got to understand, there was neither parental nor teachers guidance for approximately three weeks, and curiosity was riding real fast. Hide and seek was a good game until accidentally Kanyambura(we called her that coz she was kinda small)  decided to share my hiding spot. Kamande was doing the seeking and the rest of us were doing the hiding. Am not really sure how this happened as the rate of occurrence of events was at a rate that my young mind was not equipped to handle, but I do remember Kamande shouting “mmeshinda kikombe” which apparently wasn’t enough to make us show ourselves. Kamande and Peter decided it was getting late and they wanted to go home, but they didn’t want to go home without me. They looked for me for quite a while (their story), and when they eventually found me, instead of giving me a high five, they started laughing pointing at us. I still dispute this to this very day but apparently, they laughed at me until I cried. Can’t really remember how it felt but at least I do remember who it was.

I kept my new found good times an ill at a time, picked smoking along the way and a lot of drinks, cigarettes, miraa, and a few women later, I finally met Mary Jane. It was after New Year’s bash in Softie, Deno’s place and the hangover was killing us. Being the creative minds that we are, we decided that since most of the alcohol is usually absorbed by the fruit, there was enough alcohol from last night’s punch. Marto, or was it Bena? A lil fuzzy but one of them bought one liter of Fanta orange and pours it in the punch bowl, a cup each and let’s welcome the New Year (can’t really remember which year it was). It wasn’t enough so my cousin lights a joint. I can tell you one thing for sure, everything was funnier, and the world wasn’t as scary as they had made us believe. Me and Mary Jane never looked back and we’ve had a very fulfilling relationship.

It’s being years since my experience with Winnie. As of today, I don’t know where she went, Judy too, we lost Kamande along the way to meningitis, I heard Kanyambura got a kid, the rest are scattered all over this country but I don’t think they have any idea  what they created. Am not a bad creation so if they ever found out, they wouldn't be too disappointed, maybe a little since I didn't become a pilot and didn't get married to my first love, Angela (everyone except one guy -the competition- knew she was the one for me. I think even the teachers knew she was the one for me, but that's a story for another day.)

 

Goodnight ya’ll and have a blissful night. Need to furnish my ills.

Boundless freedom

I keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with this scene, she probably does the same coz that's the only way we can sleep at night. We are not really hurting anyone, at least not now but she's way too deep into my skin. Her smile, light chuckle, her eyes, damn those eyes, she looks at me and she sees right through me, her voice touches me in places only she knows. She turns my world upside down at will, and when she looks at me, I become whatever she needs me to be.

The distance is supposed to be a bad thing but with us, it's probably the best thing that ever happened to us. Being close to her is a blessing and a curse, it's effortless only felt by the insane, we are insane and that's our curse. We are free to be us if only for a second, but that one second where we steal glances at each other and smile in our hearts we are free. With everyone else running around the room to get this and that done, we are in a completely different world, a place only we know, serene, our little world with sandy beaches, sometimes the wild, in deserts every once in a while, war zones, but always there is us and that's where we fall in love over and over again. Everyday is a perfect day.

When we kiss, words can't describe how the world moves, gravity can't hold us as we float and let the wind carry us to your world. Our bodies burning and we are not trying to understand the feeling, nor learn the words to the music as long as the rhythm is right. It's raw, in an open sea and we could drown but that is not enough to deter us from venturing deeper in a path of bliss we barely understand. A place where all reason, memory, thoughts are suspended and all you can do is feel.

When we chose to walk this road, we promised to trend with care, no hearts, all flesh but we lied. Instead we created a religion with a fallible god. We always knew the first step was going to lead us to something that defies, surpasses extacy. I look at you and realize we are heading there and even though at this point its not too late to turn back, we aren't planning to coz once you've tasted a piece of heaven, there is no letting go, we don't want to let go, we won't let go.

Thoughts foreign

I've being thinking, hehehehe................. got ya!! Am not the kind that thinks a lot, which doesn't mean my brain is underutilized but more like.........see thinking not my thing really, and I'll tell you why, it get's in the way of living free. Take an example, you are invited for a party in the middle of the week and you know it's going to rock, then you think (key word here is think), I have to go to work tomorrow!! In a second, you've turned that smile upside down and this could have being avoided if you just put one foot in front of the other boarded that boat went to that beach party, got so fucked up and let future you deal with the consequences. He'll probably be too hangover-ed to regret or care that the boss is pissed at him as the volume of the world has being turned down. He will just walk around, his presence only physical and his mind in Uranus.

Anyway, am trying to figure out what to say today because the things going through my head have yet to be figured out by yours truly, which means foreign things being in my head. Foreign things you ask? Foreign because am not an engineer or a contractor (builder) but I have blueprints of a nice city in my head. Am thinking of a mini-Vegas somewhere in our semi arid areas. 5-Star hotels and casinos, boxing and wrestling arenas, racing tracks for horses, dogs, bikes, cars among other reasons to increase your and my gambling debts. With such businesses in place, everything else will naturally fall in place. That's one thought.

Among other thoughts is, hold up, have you ever thought, if you had a power, which one would you rather have? At first I struggled a lot with this question, mostly between flying, teleporting and reading minds. With flying, I can literally go anywhere without worrying about traffic, physical barriers, which can also be done by teleporting but with flying, there is freedom.
People have always associated flying with freedom with all our superheros having this particular power, except for hulk I think, plus I think it would be really cool. I can imagine Richard Branson telling off a guy (that would be me) because one of his jet is about take off and am like, ''you still use that? What year am I in again?''

With teleporting, it's more of a need than a want. It's 0300 hours and your alcometer is at full tank. Your calculations tell you that between where you are and where you need to be will involve riding a boat which is not immediately available, after which you'll need to walk approximately 5 minutes to your house. On a bad night, the main gate maybe locked from the inside which means calling your neighbor to open it for you since you're too hi' to use the trick only you know (stretching to get to the latch from the space above the door). By the time you reach your door you realize that the security light is busted, and now you have to feel every key, test it in the dark since at your state you are not in a position to hold your keys, phone (for lighting purposes), the padlock and the milk (yes, I do buy milk). You get to the house and the alcometer is now at about 2/3 of the tank which means you're battling the urge to go back to the nearest pub to refill again. If for instance you could teleport, just imagine how convenient it would be, attending all parties I'd be invited to regardless of where they maybe, never being late for appointments or work, even teleporting to take a shit. On the flip side, it means getting zero exercise (considering you'll probably teleport everywhere including the loo), and drunk dials might translate to drunk teleports. On the bright side, I would probably have scratched off most of the things on my to do list before I die i.e.

1.  Go to Amsterdam.
2. Visit at least one country in South America.
3. Slap a cop and snatch his cap
4. Sex with an A-list actress.
5. Drink with Jack Sparrow.
6. Attend a rock concert, preferably Nickelback or Coldplay, but I'd settle for Breaking Benjamin if for some insane reason I find myself running out of time.
7. Yet to be put down but a committee has being formed to discuss the possibilities.

Reading minds is trickier, which means I would need a lot of self control, anger management and high tolerance for idiocy. It would be weird to walk somewhere order coffee and watch people. That college kid on a coffee date praying that the girl he's trying to impress doesn't order anything above Sh. 500 as it's above his limits while the girl is just thinking why he's trying so hard to impress her coz she already likes him.
Note: If we were more frank to each other, relationships might last longer.
Where were we, reading minds. The upside is no one will ever be able to lie to me, and it will be much easier to give people what they want. I would have genuine friends, women who love me for me, and those who need a quick fix and never call you back. However, even your closest friends have bad days, secrets, and sometimes a low opinion of you. You might be forced to re-evaluate your friendships a lil too many times, and family might be a lil too pretentious for your comfort level.

Walking through walls would be cool too, so would throwing fireballs or speed. So thinking, I think it's bad for me as the head needs fewer things to worry about.

Enough of my ramblings, how about your thoughts.

Nothing, but a drink thing

I have some really weird friends, and to be honest, they do some really weird things when they get hi'. I already said they are weird so the drink can only make them more weird. I know sometimes people go to the toilet to test their hi level but finding someone pulling the two finger double shot (sometimes it's the shotgun) at themselves in front of the mirror or checking their biceps is kinda hilarious. Also missing the door to the urinal by a cool 12 meters and almost doing the business in the corner (that would have being the death of that plant........is there a mini plant there? I'll check and get back to you) is on the extreme but anything that goes above this stunt cannot be put up, include crashing churches rather than parties. It kinda reminds me of the difficult question one of them asked me after he hit his imaginary girlfriend with his imaginary golf club, where he could get a new one, the golf club. Another one thinks that the three kings who make their people happy are the Drin-King, Smo-King and Fuc-King.

Anyway, these friends have an upside, relentless love for the drink.

Why are we talking about my friends again? Ooohh yeah, that's because they are real pricks when they decide to be and their lies are way to convincing. I however found out that whatever they do in private or out of anyone's sight which would be really funny if someone else did it will have to be told in the third person. If they found out I knew this lil trick, they would probably stop using me as the fallback guy when am hi. Apparently, I tend to forget a lot of things that happen after 0200 hours, (blame it on the alcohol among other things). In the past, my friends had a tendency to abuse my forgetful slumber, which was initially caused by listening to them thus indulging in those that cause memory loss.

So, they are pricks, but we all know that. Now why do I hang around them. To be honest I have no idea but I can't really live without them. You see, as a bachelor, you need friends who give you the wrong advise all the time because that's the only way to make memories. They also tend to buy liquor for you when you're broke and inform you when you're just about to chips funga that you'll regret waking up to. We all know what happened to the few we threw to the dogs (used as guinea pigs to test the institution of marriage), which means what they are experiencing right now will be experienced pretty much by all of us. We all like to act like it's all good but deep inside it's a mini jail for the men and the women won't let you have the key.

Anyway, I hadn't blogged in a while and I needed to say something today. It's okay if I get fucked up every once, twice, thrice or whichever number of times i get in a while before I loose the key.


Note to self: One of these fine days, I will write something important, or at least something that actually makes sense. Until then, I think am going to have another forgetful night (s). I might wake up with more injuries, loose a few more things, but at least the memories (those that I'll remember) will last a lifetime.

Me and my thoughts

It's Saturday and am in bed. Before you start jumping into conclusions you should know that I'd trade anything to get hi. Mary Jane is good company especially since I haven't being to therapy in a while. Apparently she was really scared I might have caused harm to myself and others plus she heard that one of her patients called it quits after her man did the creep walk or something. Am not really the kind to quit on the big guy up there coz am still hoping he will one day forget to pull down the curtains and I'll peek just to see what he does all day. Considering no one knows much about the guy and his kid did some really crazy things when he kicked him out for a couple of days, he's gotta be really interesting.

Quick note, according to trusted sources, Mary mother of Jesus invented the shower since JC kept walking on water whenever he tried to bath the kid.

Anyway, it's being a while since I've being alone with my thoughts and whatever is going on in my head is some scary shit. The voices voted and apparently soprano is necessary whenever there is a discussion in my head. The whole gender equality thing is really getting to my head which means a third of all the committees in my head should consist of sopranos. It therefore means that I have to be conscious of my feminine side, which totally sounds gay but without it, I apparently act like an insensitive jerk (the sopranos are really taking over)Mary Jane doesn't have a problem with it but her vote is a lil biased based on gender but Jack and Johnnie are really pissed.

Anyway, that's that and we have to move on at some point. Saturday night in the house with my thoughts. Scary stuff, but since I know you judgemental pricks will probably point fingers at me on the streets and laugh, I prefer keeping them to myself.

Before I forget, I haven't posed for that sattelite photo. Maybe I should moon for the sucker............