Yes I do

It’s like jetting on a stolen car and my main concern is not the police, but how long it will take to get to her. So what if she don’t feel the same, this emptiness at this particular moment, it is of least importance since those words are not from her mouth. Self doubt has always hung around me even when my mind is aflame, not exactly sure how it fits in this equation but somehow it does. All I know is when the moon is round and full am going to teach her tricks that'll blow her mind. 

I am running towards something, someone, anything. A reason to believe that I might since I know the one thing that I want the most is the one I can’t; or rather don’t want to have. It might not be common but an illness of the heart could be terminal if not caught on early. I heard initial symptoms may include the smiles, the flowers, chocolates and wines. It’s the latter symptoms that I am afraid of but since they invented a cure in the form of vodka, am not too afraid to run and collide.

The sad part is all this could have being avoided if I could have garnered the courage to say those three words when she asked if I needed another drink, “yes I do” isn’t that hard. It would have given us another half hour, and what we would have done would probably have being better than what she or I did on our own. Maybe we would have gone home, or partied all night and in the winding down of the night and a few therapy sessions later learnt how to deal with her episodes. Maybe she’d have driven me away with her bitching, tantrums, self absorption, or the makeup sex would be so great I never wanna leave, and I just love to piss her off coz when she’s mad, she’s out of control and there is no stopping with the scratching, the biting………., the violence is the foreplay we love and how peaceful she is thereafter is angelic.

I haven’t heard her side of the story. That’s probably because I let her leave before I could catch her name and number. If only I could take my eyes off of her for a little while and think, rather than just turn the lights around her down low, change the music to something slower, smoother, and make everything around us just disappear, then maybe she would tell me her story. Now I just look for her face in crowds wherever I go and hope that one day she’ll get to ask me if I need another drink, “Yes I do” won’t be too hard then.