Finding myself

Have you ever watched TV with the mute button on?? You try to figure out the script by trying to read into their emotions, decipher the possible reasons that catalyze this particular kind of reaction, and try as much as you can to read the lips of the characters. That's how finding yourself takes it's first step, watching your future in a blue screen, watching conversations with strangers and loved ones with no sound. These strangers are the dejavu famed and the loved ones are, loved ones. Since you never hear these conversations, you can never be sure that the conversations with strangers evolve to making new friends or the quarrels with the loved one create unimaginable rifts in your lives. Like dreams, you never see yourself in your dreams nor remember a single conversation and you try to piece a script with what you'd rather they say.

Watching the blue screen that is your future without sound, in a journey to find ourselves. In our minds, we all know what we want to be or what we'd rather be. In our dreams, we jump from one wish to another and we try to compound them to perfect ourselves, or rather perfect our dreams. We are the most valuable player in our favorite team, best selling artist with a lot influence worldwide due to our charitable acts of humanity, top that with immeasurable wealth and a wife that fits the standards of a Caesar's wife and now every man has a dream. Coupled with a firstborn son and two daughters and this man is blessed beyond measure. As mortals, we feel that happiness, comfort, suitability among all that we desire originates from fame and coins. The world has drilled that deep into our souls and sawed self doubt in our spirits; we refuse to distance ourselves with earthly possessions for a better purer and complete happiness in the special arms of nature. The standards of Caesars' wife being love, extreme wealth being a full stomach and shelter for the family and influence being respect from your peers. We substitute these pleasures for things we don't need that we can loose any minute instead of enjoying the simple smile from the family when you come home with a deer on your shoulders or fish in your bucket, to feed the family.

Have you ever felt that you needed to let water run over your hands not because they are dirty but because it feels relaxing? Or just stood over the balcony and as much as your direct opposite neighbor never stops complaining that its her ugly face you are looking at, the wind rocks the world, your world at least. You feel that the world is misunderstood, life misinterpreted, and you come to realize that we are the ones who are living wrong. When we say life is a bitch, who do we blame for making it so cold and heartless if not us. You would like to sit on top of the world, and in the process you don’t care whose toes we step on, but if we did, maybe, just maybe the next person in line would watch his steps on his way up. S(he) might do even one better and lend a hand to the next one in line and life wouldn’t be so miserable for most of us. It may not create equal opportunities for all since some people are much faster runners than others, while some of us can run for longer without stopping but at least those left behind wouldn’t be too disgruntled with life as to make it the bitch that it is today.

I want to be an actor, a great actor in art movies like The Blood of a Poet, Ashes and Diamonds or Fight Club. I love art movies for the simple reason of natural, raw, what makes us all human evidence of feeling. As a man, I can act like I understand a feeling to avoid a fight rather than be naturally open and say I don't know how you feel. For one to get a genuine feeling, he must have experienced it at some point in their lives. Love and hate are more common feelings because we live in a community with grudges since our ancestors; wars are inevitable just like falling in love is. I once fell deeply inside the cracks, my soul pressed to fit in and although feeling squeezed, my heart wouldn't be quenched until I heard a voice. We broke up and made up, broke up again and made up, again and again but without talking to her my peace was rattled. I think at that point when you both realize you ain't right for each other, you've learn't how to feel when you love. Firsts are always lessons, to learn how to walk this way.

Anyway, art movies. They are not made to be blockbusters, but to give color to the picture you draw of the world you want to live in. Honest feeling when you won your first fight against ''big cock'' tapping out after the lock down like a lil bitch. Every time you get into a fight and win and don't get that feeling of beating down a worthy opponent, you won't feel proud of yourself, at least in the perfect world you wouldn’t. Firsts teach you how to relate to your earth mates depending on gender, that's why we have guy jokes girls, that's why.
Art movies it is, when you watch an art movie, you want to watch it again because you get to see honest feeling.

The reason I want to be in art movies is because each movie will expose me to an actual first that will give me a feeling that if ever felt it in the real word, I won't have to think twice to understand it. I want to live in both worlds, virtual as a lesson and real as the examination. I want to live my virtual world in the real world, live in the eighties in the virtual world, and live it in the real world, live in the future too and every Sunday afternoon twice . Sunday afternoons because that is the only hi even the priest is allowed to abuse, natural beauty only ever seen by the supernatural, and the gods. You can live your Sunday afternoons on Monday too, and they rock in the virtual world. I want to be extremely wealth, competing with yachts with names in the lines of Bill, Roman, Richard and Warren, take meetings in Nairobi at 0800 hrs, Dubai at 1100 hrs and London in 2230 hrs all courtesy of my sky taxi. I want to understand what at that point in your life, what is the one thing that makes such a man smile, the smile that says that would just make my day.

I want to be extremely poor, where going less than 2 days without food, God has heard my prayers. I want to pray an honest prayer, talk to God honest because you literally got nothing to lose, correct his sentences and laugh when he trips. I want to know what makes that man smile an honest smile. I want to know what he cares the most about because that what he cares for the most is what makes the world rock. It's probably the same thing the man sitting on top of the world wants.

If you could learn the one thing that makes your life worth living, the one thing at your worst and at your best makes you the happiest, what would stop you from living your life to the fullest? With this knowledge, we would live our lives without doubt; we will be sure about family and career, money and companionship, friends or lack of them. Music, the one single track that make you reflect to a beautiful point in your life, a point that made you believe in the existence of a higher power, the first time you kissed, the first you watched her dance, the first time your saw your daughter take her first step. Music, not the kind that makes you jump of your seat and bend over, get down or gully creep, but the kind that make you sore as the skin hairs rise and force you to part your lips without any effort.

This virtual world will also teach you how to relate with people depending on their situation. You will learn how to be humble at your best and proud at your worst moments, to hold on to what is worth holding on to, to give out your heart to someone or wait a lil bit longer and most importantly to be brave enough to live, laugh and love. These are the firsts in art movies, living in these movies will let you go free that second voice keeping you away from adventure, from sailing away with a beautiful woman to the sunset and raising your children around nature. The feeling you feel when you live in this world is the closest to an honest feeling as your real feelings will ever get in the real world.

The world that we live in is making it harder for me to find myself. With distractions thrown my way, from homework in primary schools to assignments in college and now deadlines at work, there is little time left to question the direction my life is taking, or look back to see if I took the wrong turn whenever I feel lost. I however promise myself to take time away from this world and see what’s behind those luxurious but empty dreams. I'll watch my blue screen on mute and try finding myself. Or at least find me a role in an art movie.