Something, Something ..... Somewhere

Coconut doing his thing

Am at Jay Jay's place, it's a couple minutes after noon and if I got this kinda flow, Coconut is in the hohouhouuuse, you know we gon hurt some treeees (you gotta hear this in person to really get the picture, with all indications. Its part of an acting class I attended since I was little, they call it watching television. I don't even know why we send kids to school, let them watch television. I am a great lawyer after watching all episodes of Boston legal and a whole lot of The Practice. I received my doctorate after watching all seasons of ER, doctors, House and a whole lot of hospital drama. Am pretty sure after watching super sport for a couple of years, my foot balling skills have greatly improved. Am still working on my golf stroke but am not too bad with the oval ball, I prefer the scrum half title.) Coconut is one cool dude, one of the coolest dudes I know. He loves the ocean more than anything else in the world, maybe only rivaled by his Mary Jane sessions, maybe it’s a tie but that is the only life he knows. He can’t last a month without seeing the ocean; he says it would make him sick. It’s understandable considering how in my short stay in this place, am actually dreading leaving this place; the ocean is beautiful, even when it’s angry it twinkles. Sunsets and sunrises are beautiful with the ocean as a background, even better if you are sailing towards one.

Dj feddy in the house

Back to the main story, at Jay Jays' place with Jay Jay, Coconut, Feddy, I like this kid, yeah I said it. Feddy is a spoilled lil kid. Just playing with ya'll, he's a pretty awesome dude, coolest Dj I’ve ever being friends with, he's definitely up there (he's the only Dj am friends with hihihihihi, but don't tell him that he doesn't know. That doesn’t mean he’s not good, he’s great on the decks but his crowd kinda lets him down. With the music collection he has and the mad skill, all he needs is a crowd that knows good music and he’s good to go). He's like a chic magnet; he just draws them to him. I tried to study him, his walk, the way he talks to them, if he holds their  hands or plays with their hair, or he rolls his eyes different. But naah, this guy was way too simple, he's got to have something that most men don't have, and all chics, most chics love, or like a lot, whichever word they use. Now, whenever you walk with the guy, you notice that almost all the women know the guys name. being a dj means his name is thrown around in a lot of conversations, topped with his other job at the cyber café cum mobile repair shop, he’s bound to be well known. This however doesn’t explain the giggles, or the throwing back the hair thing that these chics do or the effortless way they talk to him. I guess his availability has something to do with it, I mean you’ll call him at 3:00 in the morning and he will pick up and talk to them, the guy is always on the phone with this or that girl.

 .........(the flow kind a split a little, my home boy Kisanya just called, he's nursing a hangover right now. You see, the dude been around since sometime around September last year, and kinda landed on the wrong side of the ocean, unluckily. The place does try coz they have candle lit drinks unwillingly, KPLC don't like them much, some mmmhh……….., honestly nothing is good on the other side of the island except maybe the bartender doesn’t hurt their pockets as much as he does us on the fun side, not that we are complaining, we are on the fun side. So anyway, last night went different, the spontaneity alone got the guy hi already, significant because at that particular moment when Matata insisted that he must board the boat, the spontaneity alone took him a cool 4 steps ahead of everyone. Let me explain the steps thing, okay, I have to because we keep telling people how many steps ahead of them we are and all but we don’t really know the genesis of this saying, it all started in a pub. The first guy was an hour ahead of everyone, a couple drinks ahead too. When his friends showed up, the whole trying to catch up thing was in play but the guy who came in first could walk for quite a distance compared with his buddies. It’s a really long story, anyway where were we, managing excitement. I think if you are overly excited, the first thing you should learn is to manage the tongue, better yet, glue the lips for a couple of minutes. The need to impress and a loose of tongue –not loose in the wrong kinda way- don't go hand in hand. You might say too much, or say all the wrong things, that wouldn't happen if all you did was smile and nod. It gives you time to absorb the excitement, and then calmly relate to whoever is closest to you. My homeboy needs that, no pun intended. If you’re hanging out with a different kind of crowd, you might pull it off, but it’s hot versus cool situation. Hot is a good image, so is cool, but these crowds although they normally don’t crash, they don’t roll either. The hot bloods party loud and hard, the cool kind like chilled out, laid back parties. Hot bloods are terrible with excitement management, believe me I know, I’ve been hot but once you cross to the cool side, it’s a whole different bliss. My boy is a hot blood surrounded by the cool crowd, although a few more hot bloods were in the house, they were past the excitement level. He had his first sailing experience since he came to Lamu, and the excitement was written all over his face. He had quite a night although he retired a little earlier than most of us, but he definitely had the best night of his life, his words) 

PAUSE: Bulls eye just caught my eye; apparently, Ksh. 3,322,942 is what The Right Honorable Prime Minister of the Republic of Kenya Raila Amollo Odinga remitted to the taxman’s kitty. The Vice president flashed his bill of a cool FOUR million but Najib Balala just can’t afford to pay such staggering amounts. Am not sure he fully understands what he meant by screaming he has to steal to pay taxes. Some other guy just uttered about 12 of some of the most incomprehensive words known to man. This learned fella is giving the big words king PLO Lumumba a run for his money with words like, obnoxious, belligerent and cantankerous ......blah blah blah, but that cantankerous word, I could swear he chose it on the spot...even the flow kinda showed..... nananana, nananana, nanana -he looks up, I guess coz he knew he had to make people Google the word and see what he means. The words before and after this new enormous word he was about to create, were ruggedly said, you couldn't really be sure how the word would be spelt out, blurred if it were visual. On reaching his big word, CANTANKEROUS, he had to be clear to everyone, he had to look up and say it at a slower pace, make sure that everyone in the world is curious about the word. Linguists, these guys amaze me, if they decide to study a language, they turn out to be actual dictionaries, I guess this is because people tend to be a little easier with their mother tongue or Swahili, Sheng rather if one was raised in a township which means sheng ya hiyo mtaa. Now, when studying a foreign language, every new word one hears has to be investigated and tested a few times in sentence to test if it feels right. This dude had learnt this secret the same way I and everyone else did, listening to the sounds and throwing the word around in spaces to see if it feels right in one, something like, let's try the bar 

He passed his bar examination

Am going to the bar

We will bar kids younger than...

''Bar, fits in three spaces, creating three different scenarios, legal situation scenario, extremely awesome scenario, and a sad situation scenario. That means it's a good word, twistable too in tenses too 

I gotta pause again, apparently some movie am watching,(someone changed the channel, I think its MM2, nayway) some dude was going to give his virgin daughter to some other dude coz he scored a winning goal in a competition somewhere in the world, almost as stupid as icing your self for some foreign team. For you to understand how stupidly this guy reacts, ''really?”, with like twinkly eyes, blushy, woman kind of thing and the all universal belief, he's either gay, or the worst kind of an actor, actors created on a Monday morning coz even the big guy loves his wine, how else do you think JC learnt the trick? Definitely not his mother coz a mother that the big guy chooses to plant his seed has to be extremely pure. Caesars' standards are high but these are a one to the world kind, the universe the whole entirety. She wouldn't have an idea of how to turn water into wine, this was the big guys’ doing, like the holy herb, at least he left the herb on earth for us to experience a lil bit of heaven every once in a while, that coupled with fountains of wine, now if that ain't heaven, I don’t know what is. Your view of heaven must be different from mine coz I know , ya’ll know I'll be praising the big guy, he says to Christians, with 72 virgins (just imagine the havoc in that house, 72 women craving for attention) as he whispered to Mohammed, reincarnation at a higher level, as he told most Eastern religions, and New Age spirituality teachings. Anyway, he whispers these things to different people; everyone has some time allocated by the big guy for a one on one. Sometimes if he only has one message for all, he just places it in the notice board for everyone to see, unluckily it's at the bottom of the leaf and most people are not as close to Mary Jane as the chosen few (22.5 million daily therapy attendants, she's good!!). We hear God's voice, all of us do but we don’t always get a clear signal, *bila rasha rasha*. Anyway, some guys thought they were special; they made loads of people believe that they have the clearest signal, special kind of channel for the best and the worst news. We get the supersport 3, MTV, discovery channel, cartoon network, all those other channels but he's the only one with CNN. Since no one else has CNN, nobody else but them knows the going ons of heaven, the CNN programming. They saw how the world will end, but they all get it wrong, recently they have been doing that a lot, the guys in the Bible, the Quran, the ........., and those other books gave it quite a vivid view when they drew the picture.... 

Anyway, the latter created religions, Paul decided Christianity it is, Moses thought Judaism has some swag in it, Muhammad was like, Islam does sound
pure, and so on. But the guys watching that CNN channel lately a really in that high shit, how do they get their calculation wrong all the time. Owuor almost had it with the earthquake coz s'thing shook...nah, nah, that was my cousin Patrick taking a dump, he got it wrong with the earthquake, that Naivasha dude with that Naivasha nuclear story, the so many times these guys have predicted the end of the world, the channel must be flawed........("no, no, no it's coz they have being airing features lately and the memo was an internal thing so earthlings didn't get it", "ooohh someone should alert these guys")..... it’s bad for me especially when it comes to my vices. I had packed, everything was parked, I knew exactly what to park in anticipation to the end of this move. The closer the day came, I had collected water, a lot of water to ensure that wherever they took me I had something for it. If they threw me in hell, the fire goes, the Sergent is in the house and he ain’t burning. With what JC pulled in that wedding, heaven will be beautiful. If Jesus could turn water into wine, and he was only 33 years old, what would his old man who created all the wind from his breath, light and dark with a word, a woman with his hands, yes with his hands on a Sunday afternoon. He created all these beauty with breathes, words and hands, if his son could turn water into wine at such a tender age, what could the big guy accomplish with water? Water I had packed, a lot of water I had packed just for me to wake up in my bed the next day, fully fucking DRESSED!!! (You don't want to be a naked ghost now do you?)I was mad as hell, at first it was God, I kept screaming out for him to come talk to me, he was ignoring me a lot lately. How long has it been? 24 seconds and he doesn’t even try to sshhh me, you know when you are bugging him and he’s listening to a little girl’s prayer. I learn’t a while back that the heaven’s communication is something like, hundreds of channels depending on whichever channel your  religion transmits in, we got the Christian channel, Islam channel, Gothic channels, atheists channel, and a whole lot of channels, and everyone is trying to get through to request something. It’s noisy up there, and the guy is sometimes rattled and just shuts down all the channels, all of them except for the children’s channel. Prayers by small children are honest, sweet, requests with so much belief it makes anyone smile, whichever religion the child professes, her prayers are simple, a good friend to play with, a good meal, some simple toys, something that they need. Not what all the other channels demand, higher salaries, some drunk is praying for some answers in the classroom, a gambler demanding for more money to gamble, demanding things that they don’t need, they don’t even keep their appointments in months, or at least send a thank you note to yours truly.  When it gets too noisy, Big Guy switches off all the other channels, and listens to the children’s channel, it soothes him. Anyway, I was bugging him at that particular moment, after bugging for close to 4 minutes, he eventually shooed me, and pointed to the notice board, apparently that’s what all the

created with God's hands

channels were screaming “what the heaven was happening?”. Anyway, a lot of people had packed ready for the ride but he had tried to tell us nothing was happening. He gave you a week’s weather forecast, including two days after the 22nd date of May 2011, he had that on the notice board too, people haven’t been listening to him (or reading the notice board), you guys packed and these guys misquoted when translating God’s language after a little too much wine. Story short, I realized that I was mad at the wrong person, that douche bag should be punched in the face. I was packed for heaven because I believe that if Jesus could turn water into wine, the least that God could do is turn water into vodka, ya dig!! Anyway, guys got it wrong, the day passed, and the channels are still wrecking havoc.   

What were we talking about again? Am at Jay Jays’ place, with her small
brother Feddy and Coconut. Her kids Ray and Roy are around too, and Joyce’s kid Jeff too. We all love her [place coz she loves to baby everyone, she cooks nice, watches us when we are almost totally fucked and knows when you need to hit the bed. She reminds me of my big sister, Euna, don’t do this, sit over there, don’t do that, you smoke too much of this Coconut shit, don’t pour another drink, go home and sleep. It sounds like she kills the fun but that is not even remotely true. Her house has a party mood at all times, the cool party kind where we chill, everyone sitting on the floor pouring our vodka, chewing our *khat *and smoking our stuff. She knows when to let you party and when to let you sleep even if you don’t know your own limits, she knows. And she knows better than to let you drink with an empty stomach.

I know this has been a long ride and I do apologize for not completing any of my stories. However, I do hope that you had as an awesome ride as I did. Remind me, we need to talk about Sunsets, I promised to write someone something about a sunset.